


I Try to Summon An Entity

by navree



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Demonic Possession, Gen, Shane is a demon, and I can't write their banter all that well, and Ryan is clueless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navree/pseuds/navree
Summary: "Also, it would be really cool if I can finally catch a supernatural thing on camera so I can show it to Shane and finally tell him to blow his skepticism out his ass."Ryan finds a shitty summoning ritual on the Internet and tries it out. Things don't go according to plan.





	I Try to Summon An Entity

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this post on tumblr _**(**_ http://anarchetypal.tumblr.com/post/171100378398/man-im-just-as-much-of-a-fan-of-bfu-demonshane _**)**_ and also because i wanna do more funny stuff with The Boys than gratia plena allows me to do.  
>  as always, comments (either positive or constructive) are always welcome and much appreciated!

It is not a sign of demonic forces at work that Ryan's printer starts running out of ink when he finally finds the right summoning. It's a sign of the fact that he's kinda lazy and hasn't thought to put fresh ink in for the past few weeks. That's all it is, really. There's nothing foul at play, even though it feels that way when he arranges the five candles in a circular figure on the ground, sets up his camera by the windowsill, and just for old time's sakes, finds a pen flashlight and turns it to the exact point between on and off. It's dark, except for the flickering candlelight, and Ryan peers closely at his paper to be able to make out the faint words. It's clutched tight in one hand, his various summoning ingredients.

" _Your go to guide for summoning any ghost, poltergeist, or demon._ " His voice gets a bit squeaky at the end. Ryan hopes that, if this really is a kind of lottery system thing, he gets a ghost or a poltergeist rather than a demon. For a fleeting moment, he wishes Shane were here, just so that he could say something stupid and break the tension. "OK, get it together Ryan," he breathes to himself, closing his eyes and counting to ten. It's still pretty dark in the room when he opens them, the flashlight still not lighting up **_(_** thank God **_)_** and the five candles giving the entire thing a very _Ouija_ style feel. 

"I call upon the forces of Hell," he begins, before stopping himself. _Forces of Hell? The fuck?_ He starts again. "I call upon the forces of Hell to bring this entity to me, so that this entity may do as I command, and fulfill my bidding." That felt a bit extreme, even to Ryan. "I sprinkle salt to bind the candles, and bind the entity." He does just that, though he was not looking forward to the clean up afterwards. "I place an offering inside the binding, in exchange for the entity's cooperation." Ryan places a box of slightly old Valentine's Day chocolates in the middle of the binding. Now's the part where he's supposed to riff about why he chose it. He really doesn't like that it's a part of the ritual. 

"So...uh..." There's a bottle of holy water near him, and now that he's used all of his two summoning ingredients, he holds it tightly in his free hand. "I chose this for you, Mr. Entity, or Mrs. Entity, because everyone likes chocolate, so why not entities?" Ryan sighs, pressing his lips together. "Also, it would be really cool if I can finally catch a supernatural thing on camera so I can show it to Shane and finally tell him to blow his skepticism out his ass." Just the thought of it made Ryan smile to himself, though he tried to squash it down. It didn't seem like the appropriate thing to do during an entity summoning. He decided to return to his paper. 

"O Dark One!" He looked about at his surroundings self consciously, as if expecting someone to pop out and tell him he sounded like an idiot. Nothing happened, and he went on. "I conjure you to come to me now, and fulfill the purpose that is both yours and mine." He squeezed his eyes shut, holding his holy water bottle in his hand. Ryan opens one eye, hesitantly. At first, nothing happens. 

And then something happens. 

* * *

 

The Hot Daga truly is the best form of damnation Shane has ever invented. He's getting thousands of innocent souls to invest themselves in possibly the stupidest idea he's ever had, borne of nothing more than a desire to annoy Ryan. It's hilarious. Shane was never one for gruesome torture in Hell; he was always much more fond of practical jokes, the humorous side of things. That's what got him sent topside, with stern orders to _"Learn how to be a proper fucking demon, holy fuck"_. So far, he hasn't done that. He's messed with Ryan's head a bit, but that doesn't appear to count. 

So now he's sitting not on his couch, but on the floor by his couch, legs criss cross apple sauce, eating pretzels and working on the final touches for tomorrow's Hot Daga episode. So far, he's thinking of bringing back the original Pam/Rebecca/Dan love triangle, and reminding Ryan that it was his brainchild. 

But then Shane feels a tug, deep in his chest, not physical but something else. It's like a fish hook has somehow latched on to his form, at the spot where his ribcage splits in two, a few inches above his belly button. And Shane isn't thinking of this in terms of his physical self, but his actual _form_ , the thing that makes him his subpar demon self. And any time he feels that particular feeling, he knows what it means: summoning. And generally, it goes away pretty quickly, because nobody goes about painting a pentagram to summon Shane the demon. But this time, the tugging gets more intense, becoming a pull, and Shane realizes, to his utter annoyance, that he's the closest demon or spirit in the vicinity of this summoning. 

He just barely has time to go "Ah fuck" and hold on tightly to his bag of pretzels before he's yanked from his very comfy apartment, and zooming through a metaphysical plane until he arrives at his destination, landing rather painfully on his ass inside a poorly made summoning circle. And that's when things get tricky, because even in candlelight Shane recognizes his destination: Ryan's apartment. And Ryan is sitting dead across from him, holding a bottle of what Shane can only assume is holy water, wide eyed and open mouthed. Shane is holding his pretzel bag in one hand, and one pretzel in the other, and the only thing he can do is pop it in his mouth, chew, and swallow. This all happens about three seconds. 

Ryan shrieks, one very long, very high note, and then promptly shuts himself up, as if expecting something awful to happen if he makes a noise. Shane is still sitting cross legged, one knee almost dangerously close to one of the candles. 

"So, I can explain." 

* * *

 

Ryan wants to pinch himself to make sure he's not dreaming. But he's too petrified to move. He's been trying to summon an entity, and lo and behold, Shane pops up, eating fucking pretzels of all things like it's just another day at the office. But then he realizes that he's in the same room with not a ghost, but probably a demon, which is terrifying, and he's scrambling away and yelling his head off like he's back at the Sallie House. He almost knocks over one of his candles in the process.

"Ryan-Ryan, will you shut the fuck up?" Shane hisses, and the candle rights itself as if stayed by an invisible hand. Ryan yells louder. "Dude, dude, someone's gonna call the police and think you're being murdered. Ryan-" He reaches out a hand like he's gonna try and smother Ryan's mouth. 

"Don't-don't touch me!" And Ryan, in his panic, does stop screaming, but uncaps his water bottle **_(_** it's one of those with the little nozzle on it **_)_** and directly squirts the holy water at Shane's hand. It sizzles when he makes contact with Shane's skin, and Ryan hears himself whimper "Oh my God" as Shane snatches his hand back, looking almost offended that Ryan would dare actually spray holy water at him. 

"OK, that was _so_ unnecessary." Shane sounds annoyed, Ryan is seized by the sudden urge to punch him right in his big oversized demon head. "Am I attacking you? No. Did I even ask to come here? No, you used a mail order summoning spell, which really is kind of lazy of you when you add it up against all the other stuff you do with _Unsolved_ and whatnot." Ryan wonders whether or not he can make a break for it, run for the door and find the nearest church. Shane sighs. "Dude, you've seen, like, every horror movie known to man. Don't be a cliché." Ryan snaps back to face him. 

"Stop reading my mind, you demon fuck!" He blurts it out in his fear, and Shane starts giggling as if Ryan just told him a joke.

"I'm not reading your mind," Shane tells him between chuckles. "I just know you because we've been friends for a few years now." Ryan begins to shake his head; he's friends with Shane the guy at Buzzfeed, not Shane the demon. "You're thinking of running out the door, which is stupid because you've seen all that Paranormal Activity bullshit." Ryan's door creaks open, and then abruptly slams shut. Ryan jumps. When he turns back to Shane, there aren't any more whites in his eyes, there's just black. Ryan feels like he's about to pass out. "Hey, just-just calm down man." 

"Shut up Shane," Ryan spits out, voice still shaking. "Actually no, I can't call you Shane, because you're a fucking demon and Shane is probably the name of the poor guy who you've been possessing." 

"No, my name's Shane." Shane doesn't sound sarcastic when he says it, but still Ryan's mouth pops open and he rolls his eyes in exasperation. Even as a demon, Shane can apparently still get that reaction out of him. 

"That's just fucking stupid," he points out. "A demon, from Hell or whatever, named Shane?" 

"You spent a month doing a video about fucking Steve the Goatman!" 

Ryan opens his mouth to object, and then promptly closes it. Because it's true that, at the Goatman Bridge, there had been talking of the eponymous demon being named something as banal as Steve. And then something else comes to him. "Wait!" He holds up a hand. "When you were all _Oh Goatman this is my bridge now fuck you_ , were you actually claiming the bridge?!" Shane nods rather nonchalantly. "Jesus fucking Christ." Ryan rubs at his temples, and Shane starts laughing again. 

"What?" he demands. "Steve is an asshole! It was fun to take his bridge." Ryan scrambles to stand, and Shane follows suit. Even in the throes of realizing that his maybe not a friend anymore is a demon, Ryan can still be irritated at the fact that Shane is enormously tall. Maybe it's a demon thing? "The real question here is why are you trying to summon a demon?" 

"I was actually hoping for a ghost," Ryan admits. Shane raises an eyebrow at him. "I wanted to catch it on camera." It sounds stupid when he says it, sure, but Ryan refuses to be shamed for what he does in his own time by an actual demon. Shane's eyes roam the room, and he locates the camera. Effortlessly, he steps outside the salt circle and goes to it. "The salt!" Ryan squeaks, pointing at the white particles on his floorboards. "How did you..." Shane gives him a withering look. 

"Come on Ryan. The salt thing is absolute bullshit," he says, as if it's just another filming day and he's proposed aliens as a theory for something, to Shane's displeasure. Ryan scowls. Shane grabs the camera, promptly hits the record button to off, and then goes to watch the video. Ryan tries not to squirm at hearing himself re-recit the shitty summoning spell. Shane stops the recording just after _blow his skepticism out his ass_. He gives Ryan an offended look. "Now why would you say that?" He sounds affronted. 

"Because you're a skeptic who refuses to see the truth!" And then, the truth comes back to Ryan, and suddenly he's livid. "Wait a minute!" Shane stares at him. "You're a demon. And you work at Buzzfeed." Even the idea of a demon working at Buzzfeed is the stupidest idea of all time. "And you're the skeptic?!" Shane nods, unabashed. "Dude, what the fuck?" 

"Well, it's kinda funny," Shane admits. Ryan feels his blood boil. 

"You fucking said you don't believe in the supernatural!" 

"Because it's ironic and hilarious." 

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" He actually does start forward as if to punch Shane in the face, and for some reason, the only demonic one between the two of them backs away as if he's scared to come to blows. 

"OK, hold on." He still sounds like he's a stone's throw away from another giggle fest. "How about this? You ask me what you wanna know about demon stuff, and I'll answer it. God's honest truth." His lips twist up in a wry grin. Ryan sighs, and then nods. 

"Fine, let's do that." He's still holding on to his holy water, but his grip lessens. "And I've got a lot of questions, and I'm gonna ask all of them, and if I think you're lying, I'm gonna squirt you with this thing." He rattles the bottle threateningly. Shane looks nonplussed. "So...right. Are you the only demon at Buzzfeed?" 

Ryan hasn't been paying attention to the little pen flashlight at all, which has been firmly off despite being in its precarious position. But, just as Ryan finishes asking the question, the light flicks on, shining a bright beam right in the space between him and Shane the demon. Old habits die hard; Ryan yells, loud and full of fear, and Shane, clutching at his stomach and gasping for breath, doesn't stop laughing at his own shitty demon joke for the next five whole minutes. 


End file.
